A Head Full of Rocks
Rewritten by Bevin Chu
September 4, 2007
A manufacturer on Taiwan invents an IQ Testing Machine. He provides a prototype to the Republic of China Presidential Office. Presidential Advisor Chiu Yi-jen decides to give it a try. He puts his head in the machine. The machine announces in a mechanical voice "IQ: 86." Chiu frowns, displeased. Vice President Annette Lu, never a shrinking violet, decides to give it a try. The machine says "IQ: 94." Lu frowns darkly. Chen Shui-bian, seeing a gathered crowd, asks what's going on, so they tell him. But as soon as he puts his head in the machine, it goes berserk. Lights flash, sirens wail, and the machine says "Warning! Warning! Do not put rocks in this machine!"
After this embarrassment, the manufacturer accelerates development, and turns out a second version. Chiu tries again. The machine says "IQ: 96." Chiu frowns, saying "Close, but no cigar." Lu tries again too. The machine says "IQ: 104." Lu purses her lips but says nothing. A Bian thinks to himself: It's been improved, I might as well give it another try. So he puts his head in the machine again. The machine remains silent for what seems an eternity. Finally it says "I know this rock!"
Having made central government officials look bad twice in a row, the manufacturer hires a team of outside experts. They develop a third version. Chiu gives it another try. The machine says "IQ: 106." Chiu smiles, "That's more like it." Lu also gives it another try. The machine says "IQ: 114." Mollified, Lu says "Yes, I agree." They inform Chen. This time, A Bian decides to play it safe. Instead of putting his head in the machine, he orders Chiu to put in a rock. The machine goes berserk. Lights flash, trumpets blare, and the machine intones "Greetings Mr. President! We await your orders!"
"Presidential Advisor" Chiu Yi-jen
"Vice President" Annette Lu
"President" Chen Shui-bian
Digital IQ Testing Machine, Made in Taiwan
上次事件發生後，廠家急忙升級，很快推出了2.0版本。於是，邱再來一試，機器說「智商90」，邱大喜「長了5分」。呂來一試，機器說「智 商95」，呂也大喜。阿扁一看，心想這次應該沒問題了，也來一試。機器半天不說 話，最後終於說：「這塊石頭好面熟」。