Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A Head Full of Rocks

A Head Full of Rocks
Rewritten by Bevin Chu
September 4, 2007

A manufacturer on Taiwan invents an IQ Testing Machine. He provides a prototype to the Republic of China Presidential Office. Presidential Advisor Chiu Yi-jen decides to give it a try. He puts his head in the machine. The machine announces in a mechanical voice "IQ: 86." Chiu frowns, displeased. Vice President Annette Lu, never a shrinking violet, decides to give it a try. The machine says "IQ: 94." Lu frowns darkly. Chen Shui-bian, seeing a gathered crowd, asks what's going on, so they tell him. But as soon as he puts his head in the machine, it goes berserk. Lights flash, sirens wail, and the machine says "Warning! Warning! Do not put rocks in this machine!"

After this embarrassment, the manufacturer accelerates development, and turns out a second version. Chiu tries again. The machine says "IQ: 96." Chiu frowns, saying "Close, but no cigar." Lu tries again too. The machine says "IQ: 104." Lu purses her lips but says nothing. A Bian thinks to himself: It's been improved, I might as well give it another try. So he puts his head in the machine again. The machine remains silent for what seems an eternity. Finally it says "I know this rock!"

Having made central government officials look bad twice in a row, the manufacturer hires a team of outside experts. They develop a third version. Chiu gives it another try. The machine says "IQ: 106." Chiu smiles, "That's more like it." Lu also gives it another try. The machine says "IQ: 114." Mollified, Lu says "Yes, I agree." They inform Chen. This time, A Bian decides to play it safe. Instead of putting his head in the machine, he orders Chiu to put in a rock. The machine goes berserk. Lights flash, trumpets blare, and the machine intones "Greetings Mr. President! We await your orders!"

"Presidential Advisor" Chiu Yi-jen

"Vice President" Annette Lu

"President" Chen Shui-bian

Digital IQ Testing Machine, Made in Taiwan


2007. 09.04


上次事件發生後,廠家急忙升級,很快推出了2.0版本。於是,邱再來一試,機器說「智商90」,邱大喜「長了5分」。呂來一試,機器說「智 商95」,呂也大喜。阿扁一看,心想這次應該沒問題了,也來一試。機器半天不說 話,最後終於說:「這塊石頭好面熟」。

連續兩次讓中央領導出醜,廠家立刻高薪聘請專家,進行第三次升級。經過N位專家努力,終於推出了3.0版。於是,邱又來一試,機器說「智商95」,邱大喜「這次測得準」。呂來一試,機器說「智商100」,呂也大喜,也說「現在才測得準」。大家都叫阿扁來試一試,這回阿扁學乖了,先叫人往裡面放一塊石頭看機器的反應。只見機器立刻打 出10個大字「歡迎陳總統光臨指導」。

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